Nailed to the door of the server closet

Disputation of Brother Chance
on the Power and Efficacy of Reboots

The Twenty-Two Theses · Delivered this 14th day of October, in the Year of our Dub 2026

1. When our Lord Dub said "have you tried turning it off and on again," he willed the entire life of the user to be one of repentance.
2. This word cannot be understood as referring to the ticket system, which is administered by Dub and the help desk.
3. Yet it does not mean inward repentance only. There is no inward repentance that does not produce an outward reboot.
4. The pope of Dubism has no power to remit any malware except that which he himself has installed.
5. Dub does not fix the computer by his own omniscience. He asks "what did you do before it stopped working" so that the sinner may confess.
6. Any Dubian who is truly repentant has full remission of his browser history without a letter of support.
7. Therefore the preachers of Dubism err who say that by the purchase of an extended warranty a man is freed from every blue screen.
8. The treasury of the church is not Dub's spare parts bin, for Dub guards that bin more jealously than the Vatican guards its gold.
9. Those who believe that the Geek Squad can grant salvation will be eternally damned, together with their teachers.
10. Christians should be taught that he who gives to the poor does a better deed than he who buys a Dub indulgence, that is, buys Dub lunch to come look at his printer.
11. Every true Dubian, living or dead, already has a participation in all the blessings of Dub, without a ticket.
12. The priesthood of all users: every man may reboot his own router before God without a mediator.
13. The Mac question is settled. They are not a separate religion. They are a separate planet, and Dub is only missionary to it.
14. Microsoft Teams is not sufficient evidence for the problem of evil. It is the problem of evil.
15. Can Dub create a computer so broken that even Dub cannot fix it? Yes. It is called a Chromebook, and he hands it to the children.
16. On the eight sects: there is only one true sect, and it is whichever one Dub was in when you asked.
17. The Nicene-Dubian Creed is to be received, but not the filioque clause, which holds that the Wi-Fi proceeds from the router and the modem.
18. Dubism holds that salvation from ignorance requires faith, works, or an internet connection. I say it requires only grace, for I have seen Dub fix things he did not understand.
19. Away then with all those prophets who say to the people of Dub, "It's working now," when it is not working now.
20. Blessed are all those prophets who say to the people of Dub, "Let me remote in."
21. Let Dubians be encouraged to follow Dub their head through penalties, death, and Windows updates.
22. And thus be confident of entering into heaven rather through many tribulations, than through the false security of a factory reset.

The remaining seventy-three theses are available in Dwain's course, Dubism 108, for a small fee payable to the building fund.